Good Evening!
It seems as of late that the only time I am able to get online is after 9 pm hence the late night posts on both facebook and here. Oh well I guess that just means I am being slightly less lazy than I was before.
I did walk today. It didn't happen until 7 pm but it happened none the less.
I also got a few financial things checked off my to-do list. With any luck and maybe a tiny bit of planning I can get a couple more things handled tomorrow before Tasha gets here.
Oh!! And that is another thing I am super excited about. Tasha will be here tomorrow!!! We will be going to the Amish bulk food place on the way the Penn Yann and I will be receiving a Reiki session while she's here as well. Can NOT wait!
So now for the actual reason I was typing. Last night my brain just would not stop. It's not like I was focused on one thing either. My thoughts just kept jumping from one thing to the next. I couldn't get myself to focus long enough to ground and the few short times I was able to focus one one thought or idea it was always a very stressful topic. I don't know what my deal was but it kept me up until 3:30 or 4 am. The other wierd thing is when my alarm went off at 7:30 am, I hit the snooze but didn't really go back to sleep. Normally I can zonk back out for 4 snoozes easy. Not this morning. I was awake.
The one good thing? I wasn't stressing over every and anything when I woke. It definitely helped that I called Dave at work at like 2 am and he said he would talk things through with me when he got home. For some reason I think that helped ease my brain/nerves a little. He does have this crazy ability to calm me down and I'm a worry wart! We did talk this morning, which is how I was able to get a couple things done. Yay for results!
Well I'm off to chill a bit before trying to sleep. Hopefully I'll be more successful tonight.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Been a While
I haven't posted anything for a while but mostly because I haven't been online very much. The most recent things to happen include: having an amazing week at work, a trip to VA over St. Patrick's Day weekend, getting lost in Charlottesville, and bringing Aaron's car back to NY.
The great week at work was a few weeks ago but it involved 16 clients and for me that is a LOT. If I could get that every week I definitely wouldn't be in the hurt I'm in now.
Getting lost in Charlottesville is included in the trip to VA. My niece Addison turned 2 on Monday. To celebrate Mom, Dad, Dave and I drove to Virginia Friday and stayed down there until Sunday morning. The drive down Friday was nice even though it included 1 over turned big rig, 1 drifting big rig and 7 hours of drive time. The drive time went fast though because I slept for the last half of it. :)
Saturday, Dave and I drove to Charlottesville in search of a tobacco shop, which come to find out we drove by twice before finding it. I also wanted to find the Great Harvest Bakery I have read about in a blog I follow called Kath Eats Real Food. Unfortunately we didn't find it but we were kind of overwhelmed by the drunk college kids running around. Not necessarily overwhelmed but afraid to hit one of them as they ran willy nilly in the streets. Oh well! I'm sure we'll be down there again and maybe it won't be so hectic. After we got back from that, all 7 of us went to the local chili cook off put on by one of the churches. The chilies were pretty good and coming from a person who doesn't normally enjoy chili that means a lot. After the cook off ended around 7 pm we went home and had cake and ice cream for Addison. She still doesn't quite grasp the whole blowing out the candles concept but her sister Alina helped.
When the girls were in bed, Mom & Dad agreed to keep an eye on the sleeping babes while Dave and I took Amanda out for an Irish drink or two, it was St. Patrick's Day after all. The three of us definitely showed our age though. We went to the closest bar, pounded an Irish Car Bomb, had one more drink and decided to buy some wine and drink at home. That wasn't terrible but what drove our old foginess home was all three of us fell asleep before finishing a single drink at the house. Needless to say my parents laughed quite hardily at us in the morning.
Sunday morning involved an early Easter Bunny visit, a quick breakfast and packing before hitting the road. Dave and I drove Aaron's car while Mom and Dad had the van. Funny enough, Dave and I left almost an hour before Mom and Dad but because we made a bunch of stops in the beginning we ended up passing them in PA on the way home. We did beat them home by almost 45 minutes, which was enough time to start switching the tires around between the Neons.
After all was switched around the four of us had cold meat sandwiches for dinner before Dave and I continued up the road home. All in all it was a wonderful weekend. Now that we are home and have a second vehicle everything should go back to normal soon.
Random note: I did get 3 walks and a jog in this last week. This week isn't looking so hot but maybe tomorrow will be better.
The great week at work was a few weeks ago but it involved 16 clients and for me that is a LOT. If I could get that every week I definitely wouldn't be in the hurt I'm in now.
Getting lost in Charlottesville is included in the trip to VA. My niece Addison turned 2 on Monday. To celebrate Mom, Dad, Dave and I drove to Virginia Friday and stayed down there until Sunday morning. The drive down Friday was nice even though it included 1 over turned big rig, 1 drifting big rig and 7 hours of drive time. The drive time went fast though because I slept for the last half of it. :)
Saturday, Dave and I drove to Charlottesville in search of a tobacco shop, which come to find out we drove by twice before finding it. I also wanted to find the Great Harvest Bakery I have read about in a blog I follow called Kath Eats Real Food. Unfortunately we didn't find it but we were kind of overwhelmed by the drunk college kids running around. Not necessarily overwhelmed but afraid to hit one of them as they ran willy nilly in the streets. Oh well! I'm sure we'll be down there again and maybe it won't be so hectic. After we got back from that, all 7 of us went to the local chili cook off put on by one of the churches. The chilies were pretty good and coming from a person who doesn't normally enjoy chili that means a lot. After the cook off ended around 7 pm we went home and had cake and ice cream for Addison. She still doesn't quite grasp the whole blowing out the candles concept but her sister Alina helped.
When the girls were in bed, Mom & Dad agreed to keep an eye on the sleeping babes while Dave and I took Amanda out for an Irish drink or two, it was St. Patrick's Day after all. The three of us definitely showed our age though. We went to the closest bar, pounded an Irish Car Bomb, had one more drink and decided to buy some wine and drink at home. That wasn't terrible but what drove our old foginess home was all three of us fell asleep before finishing a single drink at the house. Needless to say my parents laughed quite hardily at us in the morning.
Sunday morning involved an early Easter Bunny visit, a quick breakfast and packing before hitting the road. Dave and I drove Aaron's car while Mom and Dad had the van. Funny enough, Dave and I left almost an hour before Mom and Dad but because we made a bunch of stops in the beginning we ended up passing them in PA on the way home. We did beat them home by almost 45 minutes, which was enough time to start switching the tires around between the Neons.
After all was switched around the four of us had cold meat sandwiches for dinner before Dave and I continued up the road home. All in all it was a wonderful weekend. Now that we are home and have a second vehicle everything should go back to normal soon.
Random note: I did get 3 walks and a jog in this last week. This week isn't looking so hot but maybe tomorrow will be better.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
New Websites
I have been working on getting my name on the interweb. Unfortunately it has been a while since I have to creat a webpage so I am definitely a lot rusty. Thankfully I have a caouple friends who are interweb pros. The first one I set up was just a tester/accident. I clicked on a link looking for info and set up a webpage before I knew it. It was free so no harm no foul. This is what I get for clicking on those facebook advertisements.
http://www.styleseat.com/raes-healing-hands
The second webpage is through my ABMP membership and is also "free". As free as yearly dues allow but more free than paying for my own domain name. It's very generic but hopefully soon it will include pictures, sales announcements and much, much more.
http://www.raes-healing-hands.abmp.com/
If you happen to visit either site could you please respond with some feedback or suggestions. Like I said before I am very rusty at this and any input would be greatly appreciated.
http://www.styleseat.com/raes-healing-hands
The second webpage is through my ABMP membership and is also "free". As free as yearly dues allow but more free than paying for my own domain name. It's very generic but hopefully soon it will include pictures, sales announcements and much, much more.
http://www.raes-healing-hands.abmp.com/
If you happen to visit either site could you please respond with some feedback or suggestions. Like I said before I am very rusty at this and any input would be greatly appreciated.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Opportunities Abound
Today was a good day at the shop. All 4 of my scheduled people showed up!! Also on a bright note, I will be stopping at a chiropractor's office tomorrow morning because I heard he is looking to bring on a massage therapist and I am going to call FLSM because the position I applied for has now officially been posted so I will see who I can talk to about it. Hope everyone is having a great day and soon to be night.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Ouch
Well calm is not the name of the game yet. Monday afternoon Dave woke up with a serious toothache. Like his cheek, jaw and neck were swollen! It was hard for him to swallow and everything. Needless to say off we went to the emergency room. Three hours there got him a sorry all we can do for you is write you a script for antibiotics and pain pills you can't fill til tomorow. Thankfully the NP was nice enough to give him one antibiotic treatment and one pain pill there. Tuesday morning we get the prescriptions filled and get him into a dentist. Surprisingly the Davenport & Taylor Family Center in Bath was able to get him in with only about a 20 min wait. That landed him a written referral to an oral surgeon to have one, possibly two teeth extracted. I called them right after the dentist not expecting to get in but I am so thankful to whoever canceled at the oral surgeon because they got him in this morning and were even able to pull both teeth at once because he had already started the antibiotics. The oral surgeon gave him another two scripts which he had to start this afternoon as well. This boy is so doped up no wonder he's sleeping. He talked to work and even though the oral surgeon said no work he's going to at least go in and babysit everything because they need a manager there. I will definitely be driving him because I am not letting him drive with everything he is on. I doubt the boy will even be able to make an informed decision but well see how he feels when he wakes up. Maybe with those teeth out he will be more rational. Anyways, off to look for another job. Have a good night everyone.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Crazy!
Things have been absolutely CRAZY the past two months! The last post I did was December 13th and I was all gunghoe about consistency and being accountable blah blah blah. I have thought about posting a bazillion times it just hasn't happened. Geepers I'm pretty lame.
So the rest of December was filled with a LOT of trips back and forth to mom & dad's, Christmas shopping, and work. Pretty typical December fare. However extremely spuratic I did get some walks in. Mostly while I was at my parents walking the dog. There are always stairs to climb at work and Karen's so that is helpful too. I think I even got in a couple yoga days and a few push-up set in at work. Oh! Also Aaron flew home to Virginia from Afghanastan! He took all his leave time and was able to be in the states for 3 weeks.
January was even more running around. Aaron was home in NY the 1st - 7th. During that week I took off as many days off of work as possible to spend time with him and the girls. I even had Alina, Addison and Suzanne to myself that wednesday so we baked cookies. We had so much fun! We had colored cookie dough, crazy shaped cutters and frosting to boot. The girls were covered in all of it.
A week or so later Dave totaled his car when he put it in the creek on a particularly icey night. That was loads of fun. Thankfully he wasn't hurt and a neighbor saw him go in and gave him a lift back to the house. He wasn't even out of the house 5 minutes! Needless to say he did not make it to work that night as we had to wait 45 minutes for a wrecker to get there, have them pull the car up and out which took over an hour and then figure out how we were going to get both of us back & forth to work on one vehicle since he works 70 miles away.
The following week was a lot of planning and driving. I am ironically thankful that I didn't have a lot of clients the week after his accident because that made our lives a lot easier to plan. The only down side was a lot of gas was used and not a lot of income from clients does not make happy times.
The begining of this week (Sunday) my brother Tim went into the hospital and had to have a TON of tests run on him. They ultimately don't know what caused the siezure but all the tests show compression fractures along the spine. The final say was that there are identical cracks from T2-T10 that would normally happened from a 2-3 story fall. They are performing a bone density test because he only fell from a standing position. He was able to come home Tuesday night but I still have not heard the results from the bone density test. On top of that Alex, the youngest member of our family (8 months), was taken to the walk-in Monday and because of his oxygen levels they rushed him to the hospital to find double ear infections and a viral infection around his lungs. Thankfully he was able to be home Monday night but he is on a bunch of meds.
That brings us to February and with any luck things will settle down a bit. The only thing so far is that Tim and I have switched cars. No he's not driving but his wife Marilyn is and Tim can't get in or out of his car because it's too low to the ground and he is going to have a bunch of doctor appointments over the next couple weeks. So they now have a vehicle that he can be in and I have a vehicle that gets amazing mileage which is fantastic because Dave and I are still on one vehicle until his taxes come back and he can get a car of his own.
I know there was a Christmas party or two in there somewhere, a birthday party and some other gatherings but the main activities have been covered. With any luck I will be able to get back on my blogging and exercise band wagons with more conviction. Off to do my taxes now. Have a good night everyone.
So the rest of December was filled with a LOT of trips back and forth to mom & dad's, Christmas shopping, and work. Pretty typical December fare. However extremely spuratic I did get some walks in. Mostly while I was at my parents walking the dog. There are always stairs to climb at work and Karen's so that is helpful too. I think I even got in a couple yoga days and a few push-up set in at work. Oh! Also Aaron flew home to Virginia from Afghanastan! He took all his leave time and was able to be in the states for 3 weeks.
January was even more running around. Aaron was home in NY the 1st - 7th. During that week I took off as many days off of work as possible to spend time with him and the girls. I even had Alina, Addison and Suzanne to myself that wednesday so we baked cookies. We had so much fun! We had colored cookie dough, crazy shaped cutters and frosting to boot. The girls were covered in all of it.
A week or so later Dave totaled his car when he put it in the creek on a particularly icey night. That was loads of fun. Thankfully he wasn't hurt and a neighbor saw him go in and gave him a lift back to the house. He wasn't even out of the house 5 minutes! Needless to say he did not make it to work that night as we had to wait 45 minutes for a wrecker to get there, have them pull the car up and out which took over an hour and then figure out how we were going to get both of us back & forth to work on one vehicle since he works 70 miles away.
The following week was a lot of planning and driving. I am ironically thankful that I didn't have a lot of clients the week after his accident because that made our lives a lot easier to plan. The only down side was a lot of gas was used and not a lot of income from clients does not make happy times.
The begining of this week (Sunday) my brother Tim went into the hospital and had to have a TON of tests run on him. They ultimately don't know what caused the siezure but all the tests show compression fractures along the spine. The final say was that there are identical cracks from T2-T10 that would normally happened from a 2-3 story fall. They are performing a bone density test because he only fell from a standing position. He was able to come home Tuesday night but I still have not heard the results from the bone density test. On top of that Alex, the youngest member of our family (8 months), was taken to the walk-in Monday and because of his oxygen levels they rushed him to the hospital to find double ear infections and a viral infection around his lungs. Thankfully he was able to be home Monday night but he is on a bunch of meds.
That brings us to February and with any luck things will settle down a bit. The only thing so far is that Tim and I have switched cars. No he's not driving but his wife Marilyn is and Tim can't get in or out of his car because it's too low to the ground and he is going to have a bunch of doctor appointments over the next couple weeks. So they now have a vehicle that he can be in and I have a vehicle that gets amazing mileage which is fantastic because Dave and I are still on one vehicle until his taxes come back and he can get a car of his own.
I know there was a Christmas party or two in there somewhere, a birthday party and some other gatherings but the main activities have been covered. With any luck I will be able to get back on my blogging and exercise band wagons with more conviction. Off to do my taxes now. Have a good night everyone.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Double Time
Since I didn't post yesterday I made doubly sure to post today. Yesterday was another stairs day. I took the day off to be with Dave and get things done around the house while he was sleeping. As part of "getting stuff done" I went up and down the stairs a grand total of 25 times throughout the day. I didn't walk but I considered the stairs and house work to be my exercise for the day. I should probably stop doing that and just consider daily activity as bonus workout minutes on top of my exercise minutes. Oh well!! Better luck next time.
Yesterday's stuff though included cross stitch, laundry, dishes, cooking and more general cleaning. Ya know, the stuff you can do quietly while someone is trying to sleep. I am totally happy with my cross stitch progress!! I finished the center design on the stocking ornament I making. Seeing as how I am a new and therefore extremely slow stitcher I consider that amazing progress. I only had to take out 6 mistakes and thankfully I caught them shortly after I made them.
Today I spent the morning with Dave as I will do tomorrow also. I mean he did take two vacation days to spend time together, the least I could do was take some time off of work. I did go to work this afternoon for the one client on the books. She was a regular so I was more than happy to see her today. On top of being able to help her feel good she was 30 minutes early which let me leave 30 minutes early and she gave me a generous holiday tip. I have never had a job that allowed me to accept tips but I have to say it is pretty cool.
Before work Dave and I tried to cut/break the end of a couple wine bottles off because I still haven't figured how to do it for my lamp making yet. Dave came really close today. He used the rotary tool to make a deep groove around the bottle and if I hadn't messed it up when I was breaking the bottom off we would have been successful. We did learn that the hand cutter isn't sufficient enough for wine bottles period. Also, a metal rotary bit would work 10 times faster than the little stone ones that come with the tool. Thirdly, even if you don't think the bottom will break off the bottle tap lightly to start and gradually increase pressure. Do NOT just hit it on a tree without any serious thought to location or how hard. The bottle definitely broke on the first hit and with a little thought would have broke cleanly all the way around.
Tonight I walked on the treadmill for about 20 minutes, stretched for 5, then did 3 sets of 10 for crunches, 1 set of 10 of crunches on each side and 2 sets of 10 of girly push-ups. I know it's not all that much but it's better than nothing and it's more than what I have been doing. Time for some more quality Dave time now that my exercise time and his video game time is up. Night Night.
Yesterday's stuff though included cross stitch, laundry, dishes, cooking and more general cleaning. Ya know, the stuff you can do quietly while someone is trying to sleep. I am totally happy with my cross stitch progress!! I finished the center design on the stocking ornament I making. Seeing as how I am a new and therefore extremely slow stitcher I consider that amazing progress. I only had to take out 6 mistakes and thankfully I caught them shortly after I made them.
Today I spent the morning with Dave as I will do tomorrow also. I mean he did take two vacation days to spend time together, the least I could do was take some time off of work. I did go to work this afternoon for the one client on the books. She was a regular so I was more than happy to see her today. On top of being able to help her feel good she was 30 minutes early which let me leave 30 minutes early and she gave me a generous holiday tip. I have never had a job that allowed me to accept tips but I have to say it is pretty cool.
Before work Dave and I tried to cut/break the end of a couple wine bottles off because I still haven't figured how to do it for my lamp making yet. Dave came really close today. He used the rotary tool to make a deep groove around the bottle and if I hadn't messed it up when I was breaking the bottom off we would have been successful. We did learn that the hand cutter isn't sufficient enough for wine bottles period. Also, a metal rotary bit would work 10 times faster than the little stone ones that come with the tool. Thirdly, even if you don't think the bottom will break off the bottle tap lightly to start and gradually increase pressure. Do NOT just hit it on a tree without any serious thought to location or how hard. The bottle definitely broke on the first hit and with a little thought would have broke cleanly all the way around.
Tonight I walked on the treadmill for about 20 minutes, stretched for 5, then did 3 sets of 10 for crunches, 1 set of 10 of crunches on each side and 2 sets of 10 of girly push-ups. I know it's not all that much but it's better than nothing and it's more than what I have been doing. Time for some more quality Dave time now that my exercise time and his video game time is up. Night Night.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Stairs
Today was a day of stairs. I think between the ups and downs of clients and cleaning and so on I probably climbed about 10 flights of stairs. I also walked from the bank back to the shop. So not necessarily a walk but action. I am not sure why but my left hip is still very painful. I have yet to isolate which motion hurts more standing up or sitting down because at this point they both hurt. It doesn't hurt while standing or sitting but the transition is killer. I may not be walking miles on end but I figure as long as I keep moving my goal to become healthier and lose body fat will be a little more attainable everyday.
Today was pamper mom day and it went kinda ok. She was running late so she opted out of her ped and chose a quick lunch after her massage instead. I know we picked a horrible time to try and eat but it seemed every place was absolutely packed! First Subway, then Mc Ducks and finally BK. I know none of these places are really healthy but we had a limited time window. The first two had way too long of a wait and finally BK looked ok as the last ditch effort for food before I had to be back for my next client.
Overall today was very good. I get to sleep in tomorrow as long as Corbin and Ashley aren't crazy loud trying to be quiet like they usually are in the morning. If I don't really get to sleep in that will just give me an excuse to get my walk in early. Silver lining I guess. ;) Night Night
Today was pamper mom day and it went kinda ok. She was running late so she opted out of her ped and chose a quick lunch after her massage instead. I know we picked a horrible time to try and eat but it seemed every place was absolutely packed! First Subway, then Mc Ducks and finally BK. I know none of these places are really healthy but we had a limited time window. The first two had way too long of a wait and finally BK looked ok as the last ditch effort for food before I had to be back for my next client.
Overall today was very good. I get to sleep in tomorrow as long as Corbin and Ashley aren't crazy loud trying to be quiet like they usually are in the morning. If I don't really get to sleep in that will just give me an excuse to get my walk in early. Silver lining I guess. ;) Night Night
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Consistency
This morning I walked to the bottom of the hill and back. I was originally just going to walk on the treadmill but it was so hot down stairs it was kinda hard to breathe. It only took me about 30 minutes but it was much more of a workout so I am happy for that. I was freezing when I got back though. I wasn't very smart when I left because I only had on a pair of shorts, a t-shirt and a sweater. Oh well, I was happy to get my walk in none the less.
Although I was bad Thurs and Friday I walked Saturday and twice on Sunday. So I may not be very consistent yet but I will get there eventually. I was thinking about getting on the treadmill tonight but my hip joint hurts not just a sore muscle pain so probably not a good idea. Hopefully tomorrow will be another treadmill night. The other thing I was thinking about on the walking front was I should start walking during my breaks at work again. That way if I am tired or sore at the end of the day I will still have gotten my walk in.
Tomorrow is going to be such a good day! My mom is coming up for massage and pedicure pampering. We were doing really well getting her in every month but last month was lost to a change in her schedule that just threw us both for a loop. Now that all is ironed out again, pampering is back on schedule. YAY!!!
I think it is time to find a comfortable position in bed and read. Night Night!
Although I was bad Thurs and Friday I walked Saturday and twice on Sunday. So I may not be very consistent yet but I will get there eventually. I was thinking about getting on the treadmill tonight but my hip joint hurts not just a sore muscle pain so probably not a good idea. Hopefully tomorrow will be another treadmill night. The other thing I was thinking about on the walking front was I should start walking during my breaks at work again. That way if I am tired or sore at the end of the day I will still have gotten my walk in.
Tomorrow is going to be such a good day! My mom is coming up for massage and pedicure pampering. We were doing really well getting her in every month but last month was lost to a change in her schedule that just threw us both for a loop. Now that all is ironed out again, pampering is back on schedule. YAY!!!
I think it is time to find a comfortable position in bed and read. Night Night!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Bad Girl
I was a bad girl and did not walk today. I didn't have anyone in my book today either so I took the day off. I know, I know, I can't get anyone if I don't go in but it was worth it. I got to hang out with Dave all day even though he slept most of it. I did get my massage cd's ripped which I've been wanting to do, I also updated my massage play list for work and I talked with my cousin Josh who will be going back to Maryland in the morning. So overall I consider today a very good day. Tomorow is back to work, walking and even a little volunteer work which isn't so voluntary since Trish volunteered all the girls at work without asking anyone first. Oh well! Bed time it is though. Night Night! :)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Staying Accountable
So to follow up on yesterday's post:
I did walk on the treadmill again tonight. I should probably start having some sort of time telling device near me though. I say I was on there 30ish minutes but it was heavily interupted watching a 3 year old. Although, I must have stayed at workout level the whole time because I was definitely sweating and my legs were kind of jelloy while I was stretching afterwards. Also, when Karen came down, I was stretching and she said it was 8:45 and I had started shortly after 8. I wish the trackers on her treadmill worked but oh well. Toy Story will just have to work as my tracker/time telling device for now. That movie is always the movie Corbin (the 3 year old) wants to watch and since he was with me downstairs, it is what I watched while walking. :)
Today was a good day at the shop. I had two scheduled appointments and then a walk in made my day. I love walk-ins! I don't get many of them which is why I almost jump for joy when one comes my way.
There is no one my book for tomorow so I am going in at 1. Maybe by the time I get there someone will want to come see me. Here's hoping.
Also, following up on yesterday's spray tan. Before my shower, I definitely felt and looked dirty, actually down right filthy, like I enjoyed rolling in dirt all day. Don't get me wrong I love dirt but I hate looking like a scuz bucket on purpose for 8 hours. You're supposed to wait 6-8 hours before getting wet in any way, sweat, rain, shower, anything. I waited 7 hourse before walking and then by the time I took a shower it had been 8 hours. Everything is all well now. No more scuzzy Rachel and the pray tan looks very natural. That is if becoming 5 shades darker over night is natural. :)
I think it's time to read and then zonk out. Sleep has not been nice to me as of late. Hopefully tonight will net me more than 4 hours.
I did walk on the treadmill again tonight. I should probably start having some sort of time telling device near me though. I say I was on there 30ish minutes but it was heavily interupted watching a 3 year old. Although, I must have stayed at workout level the whole time because I was definitely sweating and my legs were kind of jelloy while I was stretching afterwards. Also, when Karen came down, I was stretching and she said it was 8:45 and I had started shortly after 8. I wish the trackers on her treadmill worked but oh well. Toy Story will just have to work as my tracker/time telling device for now. That movie is always the movie Corbin (the 3 year old) wants to watch and since he was with me downstairs, it is what I watched while walking. :)
Today was a good day at the shop. I had two scheduled appointments and then a walk in made my day. I love walk-ins! I don't get many of them which is why I almost jump for joy when one comes my way.
There is no one my book for tomorow so I am going in at 1. Maybe by the time I get there someone will want to come see me. Here's hoping.
Also, following up on yesterday's spray tan. Before my shower, I definitely felt and looked dirty, actually down right filthy, like I enjoyed rolling in dirt all day. Don't get me wrong I love dirt but I hate looking like a scuz bucket on purpose for 8 hours. You're supposed to wait 6-8 hours before getting wet in any way, sweat, rain, shower, anything. I waited 7 hourse before walking and then by the time I took a shower it had been 8 hours. Everything is all well now. No more scuzzy Rachel and the pray tan looks very natural. That is if becoming 5 shades darker over night is natural. :)
I think it's time to read and then zonk out. Sleep has not been nice to me as of late. Hopefully tonight will net me more than 4 hours.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
New Things
I received my first spray tan today. As step one to learning to give spray tans I made an appointment with Trish to spray me so I could get the run down on some do's & don'ts. I also watched her in the mirror so I could see what she was doing without ruining my spray (of course!). It was definitely very interesting and I am more than positive I will have no problems spraying someone else as soon as I get the spray pattern and tempo down.
The second new thing was I walked on the treadmill today for almost 30 minutes. Although I have been on a treadmill before, today is day one of doing it everyday. I even jogged for a little bit. I do mean a little bit though, it was one time for less than a minute. I have been saying I want to lose weight but have never done anything about it. Recently I went to cheer Jen on in her 1st 5K race. I am so proud of her for finishing the race with no walk breaks. I am also thoroughly impressed, inspired and proud of all the weight she has lost doing the couch to 5K program, eating healthy and just being overall amazing. After seeing everything she has accomplished I have decided what better time than now to start doing what I have been talking about for years.
I am thinking blogging about what I do for exercise everyday will keep me accountable and motivate me to keep up with it. My only issue, that I just need to get over, is working out when Dave is here. I know he would do nothing but encourage and possibly even join in but I become extremely self conscious at the thought of him seeing how out of shape I am. I don't know what my deal is. He sees me everyday. He knows I am not in shape by any means but for some reason my brain is just retarded about him seeing me exercise. I guess the phrase "Suck it up Buttercup!" is going to apply here.
Well I'm off to bed. I have an early client in the morning. Not that 10 am is early but when you don't normally start til 12 that 2 hours can make a huge difference. ;)
The second new thing was I walked on the treadmill today for almost 30 minutes. Although I have been on a treadmill before, today is day one of doing it everyday. I even jogged for a little bit. I do mean a little bit though, it was one time for less than a minute. I have been saying I want to lose weight but have never done anything about it. Recently I went to cheer Jen on in her 1st 5K race. I am so proud of her for finishing the race with no walk breaks. I am also thoroughly impressed, inspired and proud of all the weight she has lost doing the couch to 5K program, eating healthy and just being overall amazing. After seeing everything she has accomplished I have decided what better time than now to start doing what I have been talking about for years.
I am thinking blogging about what I do for exercise everyday will keep me accountable and motivate me to keep up with it. My only issue, that I just need to get over, is working out when Dave is here. I know he would do nothing but encourage and possibly even join in but I become extremely self conscious at the thought of him seeing how out of shape I am. I don't know what my deal is. He sees me everyday. He knows I am not in shape by any means but for some reason my brain is just retarded about him seeing me exercise. I guess the phrase "Suck it up Buttercup!" is going to apply here.
Well I'm off to bed. I have an early client in the morning. Not that 10 am is early but when you don't normally start til 12 that 2 hours can make a huge difference. ;)
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Holiday Goodies Round 2
Today was a fun filled day of holiday goodie making with Mom & Tasha and eventually Jen. Five batches of patties made, three zucchini cakes with cream cheese frosting, two batches of peanut butter fudge and one batch of chocolate-peanut butter fudge, all made with love over large amounts of laughter. Dave came down with me as well as Corbin. Corbin played very well with Suzanne all day. An amazing feat let me tell you because we have been working very hard to rid him of the potty mouth his mother's now ex-boyfriend instilled upon him. He played, didn't get lippy with anyone and he didn't say a single cuss word all day. Progress!!! Dave went and visited his parents and then his friend Kyle while us girls laughed the day away.
Some people think it's nuts that we have to break our holiday goodie making into multiple days but we just can't do it all in one day anymore. I mean if you think about it we make a LOT of delicious, yummy goodies. There are two more days necessary for goodie making and we have already made 20 dozen peppermint patties, 15 dozen cherry patties, 10 dozen rasberry patties, 5 dozen blueberry patties, 10 lbs of peanut butter fudge, 5 lbs of choc-peanut butter fudge, 5 lbs of no bake cookies, 5 lbs of fruit cocktail cookies and consumed 2 birthday cakes. The last two days are to prep any more patties for coating, make at least 5 more batches of fudge and finally coat all the patties on the last day. We used to do all goodies in one weekend which required long days, short nights and not nearly enough laughs. I think we finally are doing this the right way. It makes for a very enjoyable tradition no matter how busy our schedules get.
Well I think it's time to curl up in bed. Although amazingly fun, today has been long and I need to be peppy for work tomorow. Good night and sweet dreams.
Some people think it's nuts that we have to break our holiday goodie making into multiple days but we just can't do it all in one day anymore. I mean if you think about it we make a LOT of delicious, yummy goodies. There are two more days necessary for goodie making and we have already made 20 dozen peppermint patties, 15 dozen cherry patties, 10 dozen rasberry patties, 5 dozen blueberry patties, 10 lbs of peanut butter fudge, 5 lbs of choc-peanut butter fudge, 5 lbs of no bake cookies, 5 lbs of fruit cocktail cookies and consumed 2 birthday cakes. The last two days are to prep any more patties for coating, make at least 5 more batches of fudge and finally coat all the patties on the last day. We used to do all goodies in one weekend which required long days, short nights and not nearly enough laughs. I think we finally are doing this the right way. It makes for a very enjoyable tradition no matter how busy our schedules get.
Well I think it's time to curl up in bed. Although amazingly fun, today has been long and I need to be peppy for work tomorow. Good night and sweet dreams.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Change?
Lately I have been told, quite frequently mind you, I've changed a lot over the last few months. I know some mean for the better because apparently I seem happier to some people. (I am by the way!!) I am also assuming some mean a change in a not so positive direction. I am choosing to hold off acknowledging those comments until I see how things play out. In either case I hope I have changed. To remain the same is to stop growing, learning, accepting and ultimately becoming a better person.
Tara F., a person whom I never get to see but hold very near and dear to my heart commented on a post once and these days her comment rings more true than ever.
"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, and forget the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy but I promise it will be worth it."
I realize this is someone else's quote but to me it will always be from her and it is remarkably true. I took the chance, it is definitely changing my life, has been down right torturous and most importantly it, has been so very worth it!
With a little luck, a lot planning and a great deal of self control this coming year will be adjusting and accepting the recent changes in preparation for actively making some very large life changes soon after. It's time to chill out and get ready for bed. Good night!
Tara F., a person whom I never get to see but hold very near and dear to my heart commented on a post once and these days her comment rings more true than ever.
"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, and forget the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy but I promise it will be worth it."
I realize this is someone else's quote but to me it will always be from her and it is remarkably true. I took the chance, it is definitely changing my life, has been down right torturous and most importantly it, has been so very worth it!
With a little luck, a lot planning and a great deal of self control this coming year will be adjusting and accepting the recent changes in preparation for actively making some very large life changes soon after. It's time to chill out and get ready for bed. Good night!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
I just don't know
It's November 6th and the clocks are set back. I just finished watching a couple movies while walking on the treadmill through the 1st one. For some reason I want to get in the car and just drive. I don't know where I just want to go.
So not that long ago RJ asked me to go to the movies with him. I hadn't really been avoiding him I just really wasn't thinking about him. So I was surprised to get anything from him because in the not thinking about him I haven't talked to him. Well I did respond to his invite, I told him that would be a bad idea since Dave and I started dating not that long ago. I had never told him earlier because I didn't think it was any of his business. Well about 2 seconds later he responds with "Wow, that was fast! *sigh*" I didn't answer back and I haven't heard from him since. Dave then came home from work the next morning and informed me that RJ requested to be scheduled so that he would never have to see Dave even for a little bit. When I first heard this I laughed out loud for quite a long time. I know that's not right but I thought that kind of reaction was a little overboard. I guess we'll see what happens soon enough.
Tomorow I have plans to buy a printer, possibly go clothes shopping and then watch Corbin for a few hours. As much as I love Corbin and want to help Karen, watching him will be interesting since he is just coming back from living with Jeremy again. Today alone he called his grandma Karen a motherf*cker 3 times!! Why does Ashley always pick the crappy ones and then move right in with them? This happened the last time she took Corbin over there for only a couple nights. I don't know how that guy speaks normally but from the sounds of Corbin's mouth when he gets back I would say Jeremy cusses like a sailing trucker. Hopefully Ashley gets her head screwed on straight because Corbin doesn't need influences like that ever!
On a positive note, Dave and I have been talking about babies and having two of our own. He thinks it would be amazing to have twins. Although there are twins in my family I am more than certain I would rather have one at a time. We have even talked about names!! Beverly Anne for a girl and Gabe for a boy. We still haven't nailed down a full name for a boy. It's kind of funny to me because when we were with our ex's neither of us wanted children at all but together we are all about having them. I think he will make an amazing dad. He is so amazingly good with his nieces and nephew and he is also very patient and wonderful with Corbin. We aren't in a super hurry but the 1st will happen in the next 2 or 3 years. I definitely want all child bearing done before I'm 35. I don't know what is so special about that number but it's the one I picked.
Well I'm off to read I think. Maybe driving my imagination will satisfy the want to physically drive.
So not that long ago RJ asked me to go to the movies with him. I hadn't really been avoiding him I just really wasn't thinking about him. So I was surprised to get anything from him because in the not thinking about him I haven't talked to him. Well I did respond to his invite, I told him that would be a bad idea since Dave and I started dating not that long ago. I had never told him earlier because I didn't think it was any of his business. Well about 2 seconds later he responds with "Wow, that was fast! *sigh*" I didn't answer back and I haven't heard from him since. Dave then came home from work the next morning and informed me that RJ requested to be scheduled so that he would never have to see Dave even for a little bit. When I first heard this I laughed out loud for quite a long time. I know that's not right but I thought that kind of reaction was a little overboard. I guess we'll see what happens soon enough.
Tomorow I have plans to buy a printer, possibly go clothes shopping and then watch Corbin for a few hours. As much as I love Corbin and want to help Karen, watching him will be interesting since he is just coming back from living with Jeremy again. Today alone he called his grandma Karen a motherf*cker 3 times!! Why does Ashley always pick the crappy ones and then move right in with them? This happened the last time she took Corbin over there for only a couple nights. I don't know how that guy speaks normally but from the sounds of Corbin's mouth when he gets back I would say Jeremy cusses like a sailing trucker. Hopefully Ashley gets her head screwed on straight because Corbin doesn't need influences like that ever!
On a positive note, Dave and I have been talking about babies and having two of our own. He thinks it would be amazing to have twins. Although there are twins in my family I am more than certain I would rather have one at a time. We have even talked about names!! Beverly Anne for a girl and Gabe for a boy. We still haven't nailed down a full name for a boy. It's kind of funny to me because when we were with our ex's neither of us wanted children at all but together we are all about having them. I think he will make an amazing dad. He is so amazingly good with his nieces and nephew and he is also very patient and wonderful with Corbin. We aren't in a super hurry but the 1st will happen in the next 2 or 3 years. I definitely want all child bearing done before I'm 35. I don't know what is so special about that number but it's the one I picked.
Well I'm off to read I think. Maybe driving my imagination will satisfy the want to physically drive.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Change of Plans
So not that I ever have much planned but the recents flooding has definitely stirred things up a bit. While Owego was under water Dave stayed with me at my Aunt Karen's house. Although I was originally going to use that time to get settled in and become more comfortable being alone in the space I am far from upset that he was here. I rather enjoyed his company for almost a full week before I took him back to Owego on Monday. That change of plans was pleasant minus the crazy flood waters and ensuing damage.
This morning I was going to move some very large tables for Becky and help her set up for a rather large estate/yard sale. However, rain deterred those plans. Don't want to the table to get ruined or anything. Besides nobody really likes working in the rain. Playing in the rain is a whole nother story!
So far my plans to go out Friday night with Tasha & Dave to see a show at the Haunt in Ithaca are still a go. I am totally excited to just get out and party with people I know and love. I haven't heard back from Jen yet but hopefully she can make it too.
One thing that won't change between now and next Tuesday is my birthday on the 20th. I took that day off only because I plan to party to my hearts content on Monday night as well. I'm only turning 29 but if I decide to keep that my permanent age then I am going to do it right!
This morning I was going to move some very large tables for Becky and help her set up for a rather large estate/yard sale. However, rain deterred those plans. Don't want to the table to get ruined or anything. Besides nobody really likes working in the rain. Playing in the rain is a whole nother story!
So far my plans to go out Friday night with Tasha & Dave to see a show at the Haunt in Ithaca are still a go. I am totally excited to just get out and party with people I know and love. I haven't heard back from Jen yet but hopefully she can make it too.
One thing that won't change between now and next Tuesday is my birthday on the 20th. I took that day off only because I plan to party to my hearts content on Monday night as well. I'm only turning 29 but if I decide to keep that my permanent age then I am going to do it right!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Just Keep Swimming
So this is really the second time writing this post because I some how shut IE down with whatever key combo I pushed. Woopsie!! I will also warn you this is very long because I let my fingers type out everything I have been thinking today.
Today has been an extremely rough day for me. Not physically but more mentally and emotionally. This morning started out beautifully though, I was able to give Dave the biggest hug when he got home from work. He has been the most amazing friend, extremely supportive and he always seems to know how to make me smile even when I just want to ball my eyes out. More times than I care to admit I have almost drown him with my tears. Dave works nights so after he got some sleep this morning he went over to the trailer with me and helped me load the jeep up twice with stuff for my parents, the truck twice with stuff that just had to go and the jeep again with things that are going up to Karen's with me. I know it doesn't look like a lot in writing but it was an all day affair none the less. The moving part was hot and sweaty but not what made my day rough.
RJ stopping in while we were trying to get shit done made things rough. I know divorces aren't supposed to be easy and I initiated this one so that hardship is all on me. Because RJ wants to stay together I understand why he's having a hard time with this. What I don't understand and what is making this rough for me is why after repeatedly telling him I don't want to reconcile, make up or start over again with him he still thinks and acts like we are going to work this out. Like if he now does the things I have been wanting, asking, nagging and begging him to do for the last 11 years, that will make things alright again. Or if I could just forgive and forget everything that has been said and done to make me feel like the worst person in the world during our relationship all will be right and we can just go back to being a loving couple. The sad part is I don't really remember the last time I would consider us a loving couple. Even during our wedding and honeymoon we annoyed the piss out of each other and I was resentful towards him about certain things. Maybe that's part of being a "loving couple" but I highly doubt it.
Sorry I got side tracked, what's particularly rough for me is I do care for him and don't want to see him hurt so I try very hard to be nice about things. I have told him nicely we are done, I don't want to be with him anymore and that while he's getting his life back together to keep both eyes open to all his options because he might find someone that truly makes him happy. Then he goes and says that I am that person, he waited 23 years to find me and he can wait a lot longer for me to change my mind and come back to him. Now I know this is setting himself up to be hurt but I feel like an a**hole because if I weren't being such a selfish bitch trying to make myself happy he wouldn't be in the situation to get hurt more. On top of conversations like that he goes and tells me all the things he's done to change and be a better person like what I want. Don't get me wrong the "I've changed" bull doesn't work with me but what gets me is he doesn't understand that I don't want him to be something he THINKS I want. More than anything I want HIM to be happy with who he is and on many occasions even before the D word came out he has stated that he doesn't like who he's become.
To be perfectly honest I hate the people either of us has become since getting together. That was one of the things I talked to him about. When you are with someone you should help make the other person better, naturally without trying. RJ & I absolutely did not grow to be better people when we were together. We became cynical, mean spirited people who covered our resentment for each other and lack of connection with similar tastes in mean humor, sarcasm and snide remarks. Now when we talked about this he agreed, so why on earth would you want to stay with someone who you resent and in all reality don't like especially when you know you two aren't growing in a positive manor together? I guess this is also what is rough for me. I hate knowing that I was part of what made him a worse person than when I met him. I am not being narcissistic or think it's all on me but part of it is because I definitely didn't help make him a better person.
I am not going to ever run him down or say that this is all his fault because it takes two to tango and I was part of that dance. A lot of people keep telling me I am not doing anything wrong, I deserve to be happy, I don't deserve to be treated that way, etc. And for the most part they are right. I don't deserve to be treated like I was, I do deserve to be happy, leaving may not be wrong but I have done plenty wrong. I could have stood my ground in college when I tried to break up with him 9 years ago. I could have been honest with him about not being faithful during any of my college years. I could have stopped avoiding conflict just to keep him happy. Instead of yelling at him when he wasn't there I could have just told him to his face all the things that bothered me when they bothered me. I could have made what I had to say more important or relevant to him so he would listen when I spoke to him. When he would tell me that because I was his wife, he wasn't supposed to listen to me I should have told him sarcastic or not that kind of comment hurt and made me want to punch his teeth out. I could have not worked so hard and been home more. Maybe then he wouldn't have been able to complain about how much of a horrible wife I was because I couldn't take care of him or our house. Instead of encouraging him to quit a job he hated and find a job he could enjoy I should have left him alone to make his own decision. He obviously didn't hate it as much as I thought since he needed encouraging to leave it right? There are plenty of other things I could list out but this is getting longer my the second.
I know I shouldn't worry so much about what other people think about me, how I'm handling all of this or any of that other stuff but I do. I am petrified I am going to be the crazy woman who ruined this man's life, or the disappointing daughter, niece, granddaughter, sister, etc. I am also afraid the people I talk to about everything especially Dave are going to just get sick of hearing from me about anything. I know true friends are there when you need, for as long as you need and will graciously give you a reality check when needed. I hope I have been that person to all of my friends but I sometimes feel like I am burdening them with more shit than any one person should.
Dennis and Tesa have been awesome and the drink nights with them have been needed and greatly appreciated. Becky has let me talk to her about things but I feel horrible because this all happened right when her mom died so she definitely has had other things on her mind. I actually held off telling her til I knew she needed a good distraction from everything in her life. Speaking of everything in her life I really need to check in on her. I miss her and can't wait to talk with her again soon. Jen would listen and actually wants me to talk to her but she's doing camp stuff and that keeps her very busy in the summer. She should be home soon so I am sure we will have time to catch up sooner or later. Karen and I talk and it tends to be very mutual because she is also going through a divorce right now. She is one of the few people I don't feel bad talking to because she talks to me about her stuff at the same time so it feels like we are both unloading not just a one sided dumping. And then there is Dave.
Dave you get a whole section all to yourself. I considered Dave a work friend when we first met because we met at work and did the usual small talk, quick funny humor and shared a very similar work ethic. When he was going through a rough patch in his life I wanted to reach out and help him but I didn't because he was a work friend and I didn't want to intrude on his personal life. We also share the work is work and personal is personal and separate mentality. We never talked about our home lives or hung out outside of work and that's just how it was for a long time. When life lead him to take a break from everything including work, I tried to keep in touch because I realized I missed him and his company even though it was only work. While talking to him outside of work we grew to become personal friends. We weren't telling each other secrets of nothing but we would go to free pool night, hang out and shoot the shit. Ya know, normal your bored need something to do friend stuff. Well time changes everything, as always, and we started becoming really good friends. We made plans to go do things together like going to VA, Ren Fest and coworker birthday parties. He was actually the first person I talked to about wanting to leave RJ. I was scared to death to even mention anything truly personal to him and I don't remember what he said or how much I had to drink but everything just kinda spilled out. Since then I have been talking with him regularly about everything and it seems like we do everything together. He really has become my BEST FRIEND! He has been amazing. Even though I have dumped my pathetic life story and all of its problems on him he has done nothing but be supportive, helpful, encouraging, reassuring and kind. Even when giving me the reality checks I so desperately need. He's still protective of parts of his personal life but I totally understand and respect that. Don't get me wrong, I am curious as hell but I figure when he's comfortable enough he'll talk. He has with other things so I am sure more will come out. When it does I hope I can be as good a friend to him as he has been to me.
For anyone who reads this, whether you know me or not, you may have noticed my affinity for Dave. We have recently had the what are we and where are we going conversation. I know I am only recently separated from RJ but everything feels very right with Dave. We have so much in common it's actually kinda scary for me. I even told him that sometimes I feel he must be faking some of his likes and dislikes in order for us to possibly have this much in common. In part of our conversations we have both stated that we don't want to be each other's rebound relationship. Actually that is one of my biggest fears about relying so much on Dave for my sanity at this point. What if this goes hay wire? We have become such good friends that I don't want to ruin that at any cost because I couldn't imagine him not being in my life anymore. I know not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever but I think he's one that's meant to stay in mine now that he's here. I feel bad though because after the seeing RJ at the trailor I had one of those I feel like an a**hole breakdown moments. Dave and I were talking and I said I didn't deserve him and he got kinda frustrated with me. I know he hates when I beat myself up or say I'm not worth it especially since he says and does so many things that have boosted my confidence but I don't think he realizes how much he does for me that no one else has ever done before. He's never made me feel less, not worth or unappreciated. He has helped me move, destress, have a large number of first experiences, regrow my back bone, find what makes me happy again and so so so much more. I know everyone wishes and hopes to find someone that makes you feel good about being you but I know I have never done anything special enough in the big cosmic, karmik scheme of things to deserve finding that person which is why I don't think I deserve him. No matter what, I hope I have and continue to show him how much I Love and Appreciate everything about him. He helps me to just keep swimming.
If you actually read this whole thing I am sorry for taking up your entire afternoon but I feel much better getting all of this out of my head. It's now 4 am and I am going to bed. Night Night.
Today has been an extremely rough day for me. Not physically but more mentally and emotionally. This morning started out beautifully though, I was able to give Dave the biggest hug when he got home from work. He has been the most amazing friend, extremely supportive and he always seems to know how to make me smile even when I just want to ball my eyes out. More times than I care to admit I have almost drown him with my tears. Dave works nights so after he got some sleep this morning he went over to the trailer with me and helped me load the jeep up twice with stuff for my parents, the truck twice with stuff that just had to go and the jeep again with things that are going up to Karen's with me. I know it doesn't look like a lot in writing but it was an all day affair none the less. The moving part was hot and sweaty but not what made my day rough.
RJ stopping in while we were trying to get shit done made things rough. I know divorces aren't supposed to be easy and I initiated this one so that hardship is all on me. Because RJ wants to stay together I understand why he's having a hard time with this. What I don't understand and what is making this rough for me is why after repeatedly telling him I don't want to reconcile, make up or start over again with him he still thinks and acts like we are going to work this out. Like if he now does the things I have been wanting, asking, nagging and begging him to do for the last 11 years, that will make things alright again. Or if I could just forgive and forget everything that has been said and done to make me feel like the worst person in the world during our relationship all will be right and we can just go back to being a loving couple. The sad part is I don't really remember the last time I would consider us a loving couple. Even during our wedding and honeymoon we annoyed the piss out of each other and I was resentful towards him about certain things. Maybe that's part of being a "loving couple" but I highly doubt it.
Sorry I got side tracked, what's particularly rough for me is I do care for him and don't want to see him hurt so I try very hard to be nice about things. I have told him nicely we are done, I don't want to be with him anymore and that while he's getting his life back together to keep both eyes open to all his options because he might find someone that truly makes him happy. Then he goes and says that I am that person, he waited 23 years to find me and he can wait a lot longer for me to change my mind and come back to him. Now I know this is setting himself up to be hurt but I feel like an a**hole because if I weren't being such a selfish bitch trying to make myself happy he wouldn't be in the situation to get hurt more. On top of conversations like that he goes and tells me all the things he's done to change and be a better person like what I want. Don't get me wrong the "I've changed" bull doesn't work with me but what gets me is he doesn't understand that I don't want him to be something he THINKS I want. More than anything I want HIM to be happy with who he is and on many occasions even before the D word came out he has stated that he doesn't like who he's become.
To be perfectly honest I hate the people either of us has become since getting together. That was one of the things I talked to him about. When you are with someone you should help make the other person better, naturally without trying. RJ & I absolutely did not grow to be better people when we were together. We became cynical, mean spirited people who covered our resentment for each other and lack of connection with similar tastes in mean humor, sarcasm and snide remarks. Now when we talked about this he agreed, so why on earth would you want to stay with someone who you resent and in all reality don't like especially when you know you two aren't growing in a positive manor together? I guess this is also what is rough for me. I hate knowing that I was part of what made him a worse person than when I met him. I am not being narcissistic or think it's all on me but part of it is because I definitely didn't help make him a better person.
I am not going to ever run him down or say that this is all his fault because it takes two to tango and I was part of that dance. A lot of people keep telling me I am not doing anything wrong, I deserve to be happy, I don't deserve to be treated that way, etc. And for the most part they are right. I don't deserve to be treated like I was, I do deserve to be happy, leaving may not be wrong but I have done plenty wrong. I could have stood my ground in college when I tried to break up with him 9 years ago. I could have been honest with him about not being faithful during any of my college years. I could have stopped avoiding conflict just to keep him happy. Instead of yelling at him when he wasn't there I could have just told him to his face all the things that bothered me when they bothered me. I could have made what I had to say more important or relevant to him so he would listen when I spoke to him. When he would tell me that because I was his wife, he wasn't supposed to listen to me I should have told him sarcastic or not that kind of comment hurt and made me want to punch his teeth out. I could have not worked so hard and been home more. Maybe then he wouldn't have been able to complain about how much of a horrible wife I was because I couldn't take care of him or our house. Instead of encouraging him to quit a job he hated and find a job he could enjoy I should have left him alone to make his own decision. He obviously didn't hate it as much as I thought since he needed encouraging to leave it right? There are plenty of other things I could list out but this is getting longer my the second.
I know I shouldn't worry so much about what other people think about me, how I'm handling all of this or any of that other stuff but I do. I am petrified I am going to be the crazy woman who ruined this man's life, or the disappointing daughter, niece, granddaughter, sister, etc. I am also afraid the people I talk to about everything especially Dave are going to just get sick of hearing from me about anything. I know true friends are there when you need, for as long as you need and will graciously give you a reality check when needed. I hope I have been that person to all of my friends but I sometimes feel like I am burdening them with more shit than any one person should.
Dennis and Tesa have been awesome and the drink nights with them have been needed and greatly appreciated. Becky has let me talk to her about things but I feel horrible because this all happened right when her mom died so she definitely has had other things on her mind. I actually held off telling her til I knew she needed a good distraction from everything in her life. Speaking of everything in her life I really need to check in on her. I miss her and can't wait to talk with her again soon. Jen would listen and actually wants me to talk to her but she's doing camp stuff and that keeps her very busy in the summer. She should be home soon so I am sure we will have time to catch up sooner or later. Karen and I talk and it tends to be very mutual because she is also going through a divorce right now. She is one of the few people I don't feel bad talking to because she talks to me about her stuff at the same time so it feels like we are both unloading not just a one sided dumping. And then there is Dave.
Dave you get a whole section all to yourself. I considered Dave a work friend when we first met because we met at work and did the usual small talk, quick funny humor and shared a very similar work ethic. When he was going through a rough patch in his life I wanted to reach out and help him but I didn't because he was a work friend and I didn't want to intrude on his personal life. We also share the work is work and personal is personal and separate mentality. We never talked about our home lives or hung out outside of work and that's just how it was for a long time. When life lead him to take a break from everything including work, I tried to keep in touch because I realized I missed him and his company even though it was only work. While talking to him outside of work we grew to become personal friends. We weren't telling each other secrets of nothing but we would go to free pool night, hang out and shoot the shit. Ya know, normal your bored need something to do friend stuff. Well time changes everything, as always, and we started becoming really good friends. We made plans to go do things together like going to VA, Ren Fest and coworker birthday parties. He was actually the first person I talked to about wanting to leave RJ. I was scared to death to even mention anything truly personal to him and I don't remember what he said or how much I had to drink but everything just kinda spilled out. Since then I have been talking with him regularly about everything and it seems like we do everything together. He really has become my BEST FRIEND! He has been amazing. Even though I have dumped my pathetic life story and all of its problems on him he has done nothing but be supportive, helpful, encouraging, reassuring and kind. Even when giving me the reality checks I so desperately need. He's still protective of parts of his personal life but I totally understand and respect that. Don't get me wrong, I am curious as hell but I figure when he's comfortable enough he'll talk. He has with other things so I am sure more will come out. When it does I hope I can be as good a friend to him as he has been to me.
For anyone who reads this, whether you know me or not, you may have noticed my affinity for Dave. We have recently had the what are we and where are we going conversation. I know I am only recently separated from RJ but everything feels very right with Dave. We have so much in common it's actually kinda scary for me. I even told him that sometimes I feel he must be faking some of his likes and dislikes in order for us to possibly have this much in common. In part of our conversations we have both stated that we don't want to be each other's rebound relationship. Actually that is one of my biggest fears about relying so much on Dave for my sanity at this point. What if this goes hay wire? We have become such good friends that I don't want to ruin that at any cost because I couldn't imagine him not being in my life anymore. I know not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever but I think he's one that's meant to stay in mine now that he's here. I feel bad though because after the seeing RJ at the trailor I had one of those I feel like an a**hole breakdown moments. Dave and I were talking and I said I didn't deserve him and he got kinda frustrated with me. I know he hates when I beat myself up or say I'm not worth it especially since he says and does so many things that have boosted my confidence but I don't think he realizes how much he does for me that no one else has ever done before. He's never made me feel less, not worth or unappreciated. He has helped me move, destress, have a large number of first experiences, regrow my back bone, find what makes me happy again and so so so much more. I know everyone wishes and hopes to find someone that makes you feel good about being you but I know I have never done anything special enough in the big cosmic, karmik scheme of things to deserve finding that person which is why I don't think I deserve him. No matter what, I hope I have and continue to show him how much I Love and Appreciate everything about him. He helps me to just keep swimming.
If you actually read this whole thing I am sorry for taking up your entire afternoon but I feel much better getting all of this out of my head. It's now 4 am and I am going to bed. Night Night.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Howin and throwin
Today I plan on being at the trailer all day. Cleaning, packing any random things that are left, probably demolishing a shed and making the place move in ready for the next owner. I think I will probably have to make two trips up the road today because I don't have the truck; I only have the jeep. Although I can pack that thing fuller than hampster cheeks I still might need two trips.
So one of my time killing past times includes reading a lot of healthy living blogs a) for inspiration and b) for amazingly tasty yet healthy recipes. This weekend is the Healthy Living Summit being held in Philadelphia. Of the different healthy living blogs I read, FOUR of the authors are at the summit this weekend and it's rather interesting reading four individual accounts of the same activities. I know readers can attend the summit and I love attending those type of gathering because you can meet some amazing people, BUT I am still testing the waters on how I can make my life healthier so I don't think I would feel comfortable attending a healthy living gathering especially since I don't live very healthy yet. Maybe one of these days I will feel like I am on the same level as these other women but until then I'll just keep gathering inspiration and amazing recipes.
On the recipe note, I definitely made an amazing dinner last night. The main dish was a sauteed mix of cabbage, yellow squash and kielbasa with a bunch of random spices from the cupboard. Accompanying that was broccoli smothered in creamy melted cheese and desert was these wonderful peanut butter chip rice crispy treats. Although dinner was delicious and totally filled me up I was absolutely feeling the treats afterwards.
Well time to get my butt in motion or I'll never get anything done. Hopefully I can get back on here again this weekend before my week carries me away.
So one of my time killing past times includes reading a lot of healthy living blogs a) for inspiration and b) for amazingly tasty yet healthy recipes. This weekend is the Healthy Living Summit being held in Philadelphia. Of the different healthy living blogs I read, FOUR of the authors are at the summit this weekend and it's rather interesting reading four individual accounts of the same activities. I know readers can attend the summit and I love attending those type of gathering because you can meet some amazing people, BUT I am still testing the waters on how I can make my life healthier so I don't think I would feel comfortable attending a healthy living gathering especially since I don't live very healthy yet. Maybe one of these days I will feel like I am on the same level as these other women but until then I'll just keep gathering inspiration and amazing recipes.
On the recipe note, I definitely made an amazing dinner last night. The main dish was a sauteed mix of cabbage, yellow squash and kielbasa with a bunch of random spices from the cupboard. Accompanying that was broccoli smothered in creamy melted cheese and desert was these wonderful peanut butter chip rice crispy treats. Although dinner was delicious and totally filled me up I was absolutely feeling the treats afterwards.
Well time to get my butt in motion or I'll never get anything done. Hopefully I can get back on here again this weekend before my week carries me away.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Time really does fly!!
Holy Hannah!! It's August and I haven't written anything down since Memorial Day! Well a lot of things have happened since then.
June: I put in my 2 week (really 1 month) notice at Price Chopper to persue my massage practice at Nails Plus full time. This continues to be the best decision I have made in a very long time. Aaron left for Afganistan the day after Father's Day. Unfortunately he will be gone for a year but this is supposed to put them in a financial position to do whatever they want with their future. Rode to Virginia with Tasha and Dave to pick up Aaron's car and dog Aries. Probably one of the funnest road trips I have been on in years.
July: The 4th happened calmly with a small fireworks display at Tioga Downs. The 10th was my last night at Price Chopper! Thoroughly enjoyed Dennis's birthday party at Greenwood Park. This also happened to be the month I forged what I think of as a few very strong friendships with some amazing people. Dave, Dennis and Tesa became well appreciated staples in my life this month. I went to a party in Syracuse with Dave and met his sister and her family. That same weekend I told RJ I wanted a divorce in a cowardly yet self preservation driven text message. Yes I know a text is cowardly but at the time I was in a car on my way to Syracuse and had a very uneasy feeling that conversation would end in physical violence towards me and I didn't want to take that chance. So I took the cowards way out.
August: Actually talked to RJ in person about wanting a divorce and my fear of violence having that conversation in person. Thankfully that meeting and conversation went without incident. Don't get me wrong there was crying and yelling on both of our parts but no violence. Yay! There have been subsequent conversations also smooth going though emotionally charged. I got my nose and lip pierced. I am now in the process of moving in with my Aunt Karen who is much closer to Bath where Nails Plus is located. This coming weekend I will be getting the rest of my things out of the trailor and sheds, cleaning the trailor end to end for the buyer, demolishing a shed and meeting up with Rj on Sunday. Although I am not interested in reconciling a marriage I am hopeful and optimistic that we can at least try and rebuild a friendship which has been missing for a long time.
Tonight has been spent getting caught up on all things electronic that I have been neglecting given the shear lack of hours in a day. If and when things begin to calm down again I am hopeful I can start blogging more. I would llike to start a massage blog. I know I won't be able to talk about clients specifically but there are many other topics relevent to past, present and future therapists.
Even though the last few months have been very stressful for me they were also filled with some extremely fun events. The future seems bright and full of opportunities!
June: I put in my 2 week (really 1 month) notice at Price Chopper to persue my massage practice at Nails Plus full time. This continues to be the best decision I have made in a very long time. Aaron left for Afganistan the day after Father's Day. Unfortunately he will be gone for a year but this is supposed to put them in a financial position to do whatever they want with their future. Rode to Virginia with Tasha and Dave to pick up Aaron's car and dog Aries. Probably one of the funnest road trips I have been on in years.
July: The 4th happened calmly with a small fireworks display at Tioga Downs. The 10th was my last night at Price Chopper! Thoroughly enjoyed Dennis's birthday party at Greenwood Park. This also happened to be the month I forged what I think of as a few very strong friendships with some amazing people. Dave, Dennis and Tesa became well appreciated staples in my life this month. I went to a party in Syracuse with Dave and met his sister and her family. That same weekend I told RJ I wanted a divorce in a cowardly yet self preservation driven text message. Yes I know a text is cowardly but at the time I was in a car on my way to Syracuse and had a very uneasy feeling that conversation would end in physical violence towards me and I didn't want to take that chance. So I took the cowards way out.
August: Actually talked to RJ in person about wanting a divorce and my fear of violence having that conversation in person. Thankfully that meeting and conversation went without incident. Don't get me wrong there was crying and yelling on both of our parts but no violence. Yay! There have been subsequent conversations also smooth going though emotionally charged. I got my nose and lip pierced. I am now in the process of moving in with my Aunt Karen who is much closer to Bath where Nails Plus is located. This coming weekend I will be getting the rest of my things out of the trailor and sheds, cleaning the trailor end to end for the buyer, demolishing a shed and meeting up with Rj on Sunday. Although I am not interested in reconciling a marriage I am hopeful and optimistic that we can at least try and rebuild a friendship which has been missing for a long time.
Tonight has been spent getting caught up on all things electronic that I have been neglecting given the shear lack of hours in a day. If and when things begin to calm down again I am hopeful I can start blogging more. I would llike to start a massage blog. I know I won't be able to talk about clients specifically but there are many other topics relevent to past, present and future therapists.
Even though the last few months have been very stressful for me they were also filled with some extremely fun events. The future seems bright and full of opportunities!
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