Just Keep Swimming

So this is really the second time writing this post because I some how shut IE down with whatever key combo I pushed.  Woopsie!!  I will also warn you this is very long because I let my fingers type out everything I have been thinking today.

Today has been an extremely rough day for me.  Not physically but more mentally and emotionally.  This morning started out beautifully though, I was able to give Dave the biggest hug when he got home from work.  He has been the most amazing friend, extremely supportive and he always seems to know how to make me smile even when I just want to ball my eyes out.  More times than I care to admit I have almost drown him with my tears.  Dave works nights so after he got some sleep this morning he went over to the trailer with me and helped me load the jeep up twice with stuff for my parents, the truck twice with stuff that just had to go and the jeep again with things that are going up to Karen's with me.  I know it doesn't look like a lot in writing but it was an all day affair none the less.  The moving part was hot and sweaty but not what made my day rough.

RJ stopping in while we were trying to get shit done made things rough.  I know divorces aren't supposed to be easy and I initiated this one so that hardship is all on me.  Because RJ wants to stay together I understand why he's having a hard time with this.  What I don't understand and what is making this rough for me is why after repeatedly telling him I don't want to reconcile, make up or start over again with him he still thinks and acts like we are going to work this out.  Like if he now does the things I have been wanting, asking, nagging and begging him to do for the last 11 years, that will make things alright again.  Or if I could just forgive and forget everything that has been said and done to make me feel like the worst person in the world during our relationship all will be right and we can just go back to being a loving couple.  The sad part is I don't really remember the last time I would consider us a loving couple.  Even during our wedding and honeymoon we annoyed the piss out of each other and I was resentful towards him about certain things.  Maybe that's part of being a "loving couple" but I highly doubt it. 

Sorry I got side tracked, what's particularly rough for me is I do care for him and don't want to see him hurt so I try very hard to be nice about things.  I have told him nicely we are done, I don't want to be with him anymore and that while he's getting his life back together to keep both eyes open to all his options because he might find someone that truly makes him happy.  Then he goes and says that I am that person, he waited 23 years to find me and he can wait a lot longer for me to change my mind and come back to him.  Now I know this is setting himself up to be hurt but I feel like an a**hole because if I weren't being such a selfish bitch trying to make myself happy he wouldn't be in the situation to get hurt more.  On top of conversations like that he goes and tells me all the things he's done to change and be a better person like what I want.  Don't get me wrong the "I've changed" bull doesn't work with me but what gets me is he doesn't understand that I don't want him to be something he THINKS I want.  More than anything I want HIM to be happy with who he is and on many occasions even before the D word came out he has stated that he doesn't like who he's become.

To be perfectly honest I hate the people either of us has become since getting together.  That was one of the things I talked to him about.  When you are with someone you should help make the other person better, naturally without trying.  RJ & I  absolutely did not grow to be better people when we were together.  We became cynical, mean spirited people who covered our resentment for each other and lack of connection with similar tastes in mean humor, sarcasm and snide remarks.  Now when we talked about this he agreed, so why on earth would you want to stay with someone who you resent and in all reality don't like especially when you know you two aren't growing in a positive manor together?  I guess this is also what is rough for me.  I hate knowing that I was part of what made him a worse person than when I met him.  I am not being narcissistic or think it's all on me but part of it is because I definitely didn't help make him a better person.

I am not going to ever run him down or say that this is all his fault because it takes two to tango and I was part of that dance.  A lot of people keep telling me I am not doing anything wrong, I deserve to be happy, I don't deserve to be treated that way, etc.  And for the most part they are right.  I don't deserve to be treated like I was, I do deserve to be happy, leaving may not be wrong but I have done plenty wrong.  I could have stood my ground in college when I tried to break up with him 9 years ago.  I could have been honest with him about not being faithful during any of my college years.  I could have stopped avoiding conflict just to keep him happy.  Instead of yelling at him when he wasn't there I could have just told him to his face all the things that bothered me when they bothered me.  I could have made what I had to say more important or relevant to him so he would listen when I spoke to him.  When he would tell me that because I was his wife, he wasn't supposed to listen to me I should have told him sarcastic or not that kind of comment hurt and made me want to punch his teeth out.  I could have not worked so hard and been home more.  Maybe then he wouldn't have been able to complain about how much of a horrible wife I was because I couldn't take care of him or our house.  Instead of encouraging him to quit a job he hated and find a job he could enjoy I should have left him alone to make his own decision.  He obviously didn't hate it as much as I thought since he needed encouraging to leave it right?  There are plenty of other things I could list out but this is getting longer my the second.

I know I shouldn't worry so much about what other people think about me, how I'm handling all of this or any of that other stuff but I do.  I am petrified I am going to be the crazy woman who ruined this man's life, or the disappointing daughter, niece, granddaughter, sister, etc.  I am also afraid the people I talk to about everything especially Dave are going to just get sick of hearing from me about anything.  I know true friends are there when you need, for as long as you need and will graciously give you a reality check when needed.  I hope I have been that person to all of my friends but I sometimes feel like I am burdening them with more shit than any one person should. 

Dennis and Tesa have been awesome and the drink nights with them have been needed and greatly appreciated.  Becky has let me talk to her about things but I feel horrible because this all happened right when her mom died so she definitely has had other things on her mind.  I actually held off telling her til I knew she needed a good distraction from everything in her life.  Speaking of everything in her life I really need to check in on her.  I miss her and can't wait to talk with her again soon.  Jen would listen and actually wants me to talk to her but she's doing camp stuff and that keeps her very busy in the summer.  She should be home soon so I am sure we will have time to catch up sooner or later.  Karen and I talk and it tends to be very mutual because she is also going through a divorce right now.  She is one of the few people I don't feel bad talking to because she talks to me about her stuff at the same time so it feels like we are both unloading not just a one sided dumping.  And then there is Dave.

Dave you get a whole section all to yourself.  I considered Dave a work friend when we first met because we met at work and did the usual small talk, quick funny humor and shared a very similar work ethic.  When he was going through a rough patch in his life I wanted to reach out and help him but I didn't because he was a work friend and I didn't want to intrude on his personal life.  We also share the work is work and personal is personal and separate mentality.  We never talked about our home lives or hung out outside of work and that's just how it was for a long time.  When life lead him to take a break from everything including work, I tried to keep in touch because I realized I missed him and his company even though it was only work.  While talking to him outside of work we grew to become personal friends.  We weren't telling each other secrets of nothing but we would go to free pool night, hang out and shoot the shit.  Ya know, normal your bored need something to do friend stuff.  Well time changes everything, as always, and we started becoming really good friends.  We made plans to go do things together like going to VA, Ren Fest and coworker birthday parties.  He was actually the first person I talked to about wanting to leave RJ.  I was scared to death to even mention anything truly personal to him and I don't remember what he said or how much I had to drink but everything just kinda spilled out.  Since then I have been talking with him regularly about everything and it seems like we do everything together.  He really has become my BEST FRIEND!  He has been amazing.  Even though I have dumped my pathetic life story and all of its problems on him he has done nothing but be supportive, helpful, encouraging, reassuring and kind.  Even when giving me the reality checks I so desperately need.  He's still protective of parts of his personal life but I totally understand and respect that.  Don't get me wrong, I am curious as hell but I figure when he's comfortable enough he'll talk.  He has with other things so I am sure more will come out.  When it does I hope I can be as good a friend to him as he has been to me. 

For anyone who reads this, whether you know me or not, you may have noticed my affinity for Dave.  We have recently had the what are we and where are we going conversation.  I know I am only recently separated from RJ but everything feels very right with Dave.  We have so much in common it's actually kinda scary for me.  I even told him that sometimes I feel he must be faking some of his likes and dislikes in order for us to possibly have this much in common.  In part of our conversations we have both stated that we don't want to be each other's rebound relationship.  Actually that is one of my biggest fears about relying so much on Dave for my sanity at this point.  What if this goes hay wire?  We have become such good friends that I don't want to ruin that at any cost because I couldn't imagine him not being in my life anymore.  I know not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever but I think he's one that's meant to stay in mine now that he's here.  I feel bad though because after the seeing RJ at the trailor I had one of those I feel like an a**hole breakdown moments.  Dave and I were talking and I said I didn't deserve him and he got kinda frustrated with me.  I know he hates when I beat myself up or say I'm not worth it especially since he says and does so many things that have boosted my confidence but I don't think he realizes how much he does for me that no one else has ever done before.  He's never made me feel less, not worth or unappreciated.  He has helped me move, destress, have a large number of first experiences, regrow my back bone, find what makes me happy again and so so so much more.  I know everyone wishes and hopes to find someone that makes you feel good about being you but I know I have never done anything special enough in the big cosmic, karmik scheme of things to deserve finding that person which is why I don't think I deserve him.  No matter what, I hope I have and continue to show him how much I Love and Appreciate everything about him.  He helps me to just keep swimming.

If you actually read this whole thing I am sorry for taking up your entire afternoon but I feel much better getting all of this out of my head.  It's now 4 am and I am going to bed.  Night Night.